My 12-year-old, Tarun, gets along pretty well with his little sister, Roshni. He takes care of her, plays with her, and lets me know if she’s having any trouble when I’m not around. Roshni is a good girl on most days and absolutely adores her brother – so much so that it sometimes annoys him. One minute they’re playing together and the next, Tarun says something mean or pushes her away. Before you know it, tears are rolling down like a leaky tap that won’t stop.
What I usually do – Blame and shout
As most parents do (or so I assume), I blame Tarun (since he’s the older one) and chide him instantly. As expected, he starts crying too! I go on to explain how he, being the big brother that he is, should be a responsible brother and be nice to her at all times, no matter what she does.
This never really had the effect I wished to see. In fact, I was teaching my child to put up with anything a loved one does, whether right or wrong. Also, since my younger one gets the attention from all the sobbing, he would revert to crying himself during my scolding sessions hoping to seek my approval.
What I should do – Make observations and listen
In one such instance, I found my daughter on the floor, next to my son’s chair – crying. I rushed to her rescue and started scolding my son assuming that he pushed her. My husband then told me that Tarun was peacefully having his fruit and Roshni climbed up to reach his plate that she slipped and fell to the ground – which was nobody’s fault. It was only then I realised that I was only making things worse and probably sowing seeds for sibling rivalry.
Ever since, I have taken up a more peaceful approach where I ask each child why they did what they did or ask them exactly what happened. For example, the ideal thing to do when I saw my daughter on the floor would be to say to my son, “You were having your fruit by yourself at the table and something happened.” All I have to do is make an observation and the child will go on to explain the situation. This will help me understand exactly what happened and if anybody is at fault.
Let’s say there comes a situation where Tarun is at fault. What then? In that case, I should say something on the lines of, “I understand why you did what you did but look, your sister is upset and in tears.”
This will initiate a talk where he tells me what he feels and why he did what he did. Once children are heard, they will come up with innovative solutions of their own that even I wouldn’t be able to think about.
The takeaway
If you find your kids fighting, stop them and ask them why they felt they need to start a fight. This way, they will be able to vent and it also opens the door for solutions where both the kids are heard and understood. This tip works like a miracle and requires much less of my energy because all I have to do is describe the last thing I saw and the children will start explaining their feelings on their own!
This worked with my kids! Try it with your kids and let me know how it goes!
