I was told that the arrival of my baby would mark the beginning of the best days of my life. As I got closer to the date of delivery, my joy knew no bounds. I was ready to be engulfed by love. It wasn’t like I was unaware of the challenges I’d face with being a mother. The endless advice from family and friends had me mentally prepared for the sleepless nights, busy days, and just a lot of dirty diapers. What I wasn’t prepared for in the slightest was the wave of postpartum depression that hit me out of nowhere.
It happened just a month after Deepika’s birth and took over the next 7 months of my life. Recognising postpartum depression is tough, overcoming it is tougher. My husband played a crucial role in helping me get through this darkest time of my life, but it wasn’t always easy. Knowing what we went through, I wouldn’t wish the same on anyone. I’m sharing my story here hoping it will help anyone going through the same thing. I’m also going to tell from my experience what you can do to support a spouse with postpartum depression.
My story
I was both excited and nervous when we brought Deepika home. The first two weeks went by in a blur as Rahul and I got accustomed to our new life. It was around the third week that I started getting a little anxious and at that time, I brushed it off as just the concern that comes with being a new mother. I started questioning if she was getting enough milk. I’d worry about not hearing her cry and not leave her side. I’d constantly worry about the smallest things.
Slowly, it got worse. I was irritable, always tired, and went about life in a very mechanical way. I wasn’t even excited about Deepika anymore. I knew I loved her but the joy I felt when he was born seemed to have vanished. Rahul noticed it too but we chalked it down to my lack of sleep. To help me rest, he would take care of Deepika in the night but not much changed with my temperament.
What happened on a regular afternoon made us realise I might be going through something entirely different than what we imagined. I was cleaning the kitchen and heard Deepika cry which I wasn’t expecting since I had just fed her and put her to sleep 15 minutes prior. I tried to console her for a few minutes and with each passing minute, I felt more helpless and finally broke down. Here is the thing, I don’t cry easily but at that moment, I couldn’t stop and felt like a failure. I felt like I made a mistake by bringing her into this world when I couldn’t even take care of her. I didn’t want to be a mother at that moment and despised my life. I just wanted to leave, and as terrible as that sounds, every part of me believed she’d be better off without a failure of a mother like me. I left Rahul several texts telling him to come home immediately. By the time he saw the texts and called me back, Deepika had stopped crying. I told Rahul things were fine and not to worry, but he knew better.
Rahul came home within two hours after our call. We both knew something was wrong but we felt helpless. We decided it was best to pay a visit to my obstetrician and booked an appointment for the same evening. After I described my symptoms to my obstetrician, I was referred to a psychologist. Soon, it was confirmed that I had postpartum depression. I was prescribed antidepressants. I was worried and so was Rahul but over the next few months, I learnt how to tackle it while he stood strong by my side. The medication helped too. Today, when I look at Deepika, every minute of fighting that battle seems worth it.
What you can do as a spouse to help your partner with Postpartum depression!
- Listen- Initially, I had a lot of trouble opening up about what I was going through. But once I did, my fears and apprehensions just poured out. Even though Rahul always listened to me, he would focus more on fixing things which made me feel like he just wanted to be done with the conversation. Soon, he figured out that I just needed someone to talk to and just listened as I rambled on. In situations like this, that is just what your spouse might need. Listen to her and offer solutions only when asked.
- Help out- PPD doesn’t just drain you out mentally but it also drains you out physically. Being extremely fatigued all the time made it harder for me to take care of the baby and handle other chores. Rahul helped me out with the baby and chores whenever he was at home. But we had to get a maid for the house chores since he couldn’t skip work and I was too tired to finish the chores. Try to help to the best of your abilities and hire some help if you are unable to handle the chores.
- Seek support- People with PPD tend to isolate themselves, which can worsen the situation. If you notice your spouse isolating herself, take the initiative to get close friends and family members to reach out to her. Don’t hesitate to accept help from close ones, there is only so much you can do too. My mother helped me take care of the baby for the first 8 months and it made everything so much better for Rahul and me.
- Spend time with her- PPD made me feel worthless, ugly, and undesirable. Just talking about it makes me flinch. But Rahul never failed to try and make me feel good about myself. He held me, spoke to me, and tried to get us some alone time whenever he could. At times, we’d just sit in the garden talking for hours when Deepika was asleep. Try and show your wife that she is still loved, valued, and cherished. You don’t have to do anything fancy, I assure you that neither of you will have the energy for a night out on the town. Just spending time together doing the simplest things can help.
Symptoms of PPD
It’s not easy figuring out if you are suffering from PPD or are just overwhelmed with the new responsibility. Here are some of the common symptoms of PPD that might help you figure it all out:
- You are irritable and go through a lot of mood swings.
- Unexplainable fatigue
- Trouble bonding with your baby
- Excessive crying
- Insomnia or sleeping too much
- Inability to do simple tasks
- Unable to concentrate
- Isolating from family and friends
- Self-criticising too much
These are just a few of the symptoms of PPD. If you as a new parent are going through any of these and it doesn’t get better as time passes, please consult a doctor regarding the same.
To the spouses and family members- Post-Partum Depression is a real thing and usually goes undiagnosed because people are not aware of it. If you see a new parent going through difficulties, help them instead of dismissing it as carelessness.
To those fighting the battle: I know PPD can be hard but it will eventually pass with the right care and support. Do not be ashamed of it. Just remember that it is no mean feat to create life, this is just a small obstacle behind which lies a life filled with joy and happiness. You will get through this. How do I know? Because I got through it and so did millions of people.
Hang in there, you’ve got this! Good luck!
