Being a mother of three, you’d think I’d have mastered the art of handling tantrums by now, that couldn’t be further from the truth. My kids Yash, Vani, and Sachin aged 11, 8, and 5 years respectively have all been quite the tantrum throwers. Being a new mother, I’d usually give in to all of Yash’s tantrums but that changed when Vani and Sachin came along. Time-outs and stringent warnings became my go-to ways to handle tantrums. But somewhere deep down, I knew that even though these methods seemed to work they weren’t contributing to my child’s emotional intelligence. They still threw tantrums and the cycle continued.
I had read about helping a child build emotional intelligence and the strategies that would help but hadn’t bothered about implementing it. It was easier to send them to their room. So last month when Vani threw a tantrum, I decided to stray away from my usual methods and try something different and I think it worked. Here is what exactly transpired:
It was a late Friday evening when Vani came into my room asking if she could watch TV. I asked her if she had finished her homework to which her reply was a resounding ‘No’.
“Finish your homework first and then you can watch TV.”, I said. “But tomorrow is a holiday. I don’t want to do it now”, she said. I detected a hint of anger in her tone and knew what was coming.
“I know, baby. But if you finish it now, you can enjoy your holiday and your show doesn’t even start for another hour.”, I said smiling. She glared and kept quiet. I continued, “Bring your books over, I will help you and you will be done in time for your show”, I said softly.
“I don’t want to do my homework! I just want to watch TV! I don’t want to do it!”, she shouted with tears streaming down her face. I stayed quiet. This seemed to irk her more. “Sachin and Yash are watching TV. I want to watch TV too!”, she said through sobs.
“You don’t tell them to do anything. I want to watch TV too!”, she continued crying. I sat down the edge of the bed. “Come, sit here.”, I beckoned her softly patting the space next to me. She glared at me for a few seconds before stomping towards me with her tear-stained face and plopped next to me on the bed.
“If crying is making you feel better right now, I want you to cry and let it all out now. We will talk about homework after that.”, I said. I won’t lie, it didn’t feel natural at all to be talking to my daughter like she was an adult. I wanted to just wipe her tears, give her a hug, and let her watch TV. After all, she was right, she could do it tomorrow. I fought the urge.
Few minutes passed and with each passing minute, she seemed calmer and eventually stopped crying. “I know you are mad that Yash and Sachin get to watch TV while you have to do your homework. They do not have any homework and that’s why they can watch TV now.”, I explained.
“But it’s not fair”, she muttered. “I know, it’s not fair. If you really want to watch TV now, you can. But do you really want to spend tomorrow doing your homework instead of playing with Ashitha and others?”, I asked.
Her little brain churned for a minute or two before the reply came, “No, I want to play tomorrow. I will do my homework now.”
“Listen, it’s okay to get angry. I don’t want you to hide how you feel. I will always be here for you whether you are feeling sad or upset, okay?”, I said as I hugged her.
“Yes, mummy.”, she smiled, a real smile before trotting off to her room.
If it was before, I would’ve sent her to her room or forced her to do her homework when she really didn’t want to with complete disregard to her feelings. But just a few minutes of patience and understanding helped me validate her feelings and make her feel heard.
Just like us, kids experience negative feelings such as anger, jealousy, fear, and sadness. As adults, we still struggle to express ourselves or recognise these negative feelings. So it is hard to expect kids to do the same.
It is important to let your child know that these feelings are normal. Help them recognise what they are feeling, validate their feelings, and let them know there is nothing wrong with experiencing these emotions. When they are plagued by such feelings, help them navigate it and build a foundation of loyalty and trust by being by their side without punishing them for how they feel. Not all behaviour is acceptable, the key lies in figuring out when to be supportive and when to put your foot down.
Last week, she stormed into my room again throwing another tantrum but this one barely lasted a few minutes before we came to an agreement that worked for both of us. And there were fewer tears too! It’s not easy being a parent, but with patience and understanding you can navigate parenthood with ease. Take it from a mother of three!
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