We all know about the good cop-bad cop parenting strategy. For those of you who are not aware of this, here is the gist. When a problem arises with your child, one parent plays the ‘good cop’, the one who pacifies the child and doesn’t take any stringent measures. The ‘bad cop’ enforces discipline and is usually the one who hands out all the punishments. I know it sounds like something out of a parenting handbook but it most definitely works.
When my husband I got married, we divided our roles based on our strengths. He’d take out the trash every day and I’d remember to pay the bills. He’d get the groceries and I’d talk to the neighbours whenever they had a loud party. So, when my daughter came along, we divided our roles again. He’d be the good cop and me, the bad cop. Being a non-confrontational person, he had no trouble slipping into the role. I had no problem being the tough parent, after all, someone had to the dirty work if we wanted to raise a disciplined daughter.
We implemented the good cop-bad cop routine when Caili turned 4 and it worked like a charm. Just when we thought we were acing this whole parenting thing, we got a bit of a shock.
We had some guests over at our place a month ago. While talking to Caili, one of my cousins jokingly asked her “Who do you like more between mom and dad?”. I smiled knowing that Caili would tell her that she liked both of us equally. So you can imagine my shock when I heard her saying she liked her dad more. I looked at her. She wasn’t smiling or laughing. That was a serious answer but only I seemed to have taken it seriously while everyone else laughed.
When Nasir came home that night, I told him what happened and he told me not to worry about it. But I couldn’t rest knowing that my daughter felt that way about me. We decided to talk to her the next morning. Nasir brought it up casually and asked her why she liked daddy more than mommy. “Because mommy is always scolding me. You are so nice.”, she said softly.
It didn’t take long for us to realise where this was coming from. The good cop-bad cop strategy had backfired. We were so firmly rooted in our roles that now Caili saw me as the strict parent who always scolded her and punished her. While Nasir seemed to be the loving and caring parent. Even though she didn’t realise it, she had already started resenting me and it broke my heart.
That’s when I realised that when it comes to parenting, you can’t just divide your roles and stick to them. You have to keep switching. Nasir never wanted to be stern with Caili out of the fear that she might not like him. But isn’t that what parenting is all about? Looking out for your kid and doing things with their best interest at heart even at the risk of them not liking it?
I don’t blame the strategy. I just wish we had switched between our roles. But thankfully, we realised it before it was too late. I spoke to Nisar and he promised that he’d be the hard-ass when required while I took a softer approach. I still play the ‘bad cop’ at times but it’s no longer a role solely designated for me.
Parenting is tough but as long as you have a supportive partner next to you, I promise you that you will get through it.
